Our wedding vows explicitly held life-long monogamy and fidelity as the basis of our marriage. When we married, we both accepted that our marriage would contain all our love, eroticism and sexual intimacy, and exclude all others from those enjoyments. I think the attraction of lifelong monogamy within modern marriages comes from the idea that it is a special transaction between two spiritual partners; each of whom is the other’s one-and-only-true-love.
From our own reading, personal growth and self-exploration we were beginning to question the limits placed on us by this kind of thinking. We worked out that our love for each was abundant, and as our capacity for love seemed limitless, it did not need to be measured and rationed. It seemed to follow that perhaps we shouldn’t be so concerned with policing and restricting each other’s pleasures, even those most intimate of joys which to this point we only shared with each other.
Wasn’t it more selfless and loving to allow the gifts of sexual intimacy and satisfaction to be shared more widely? At least this was what we were beginning to talk and think about in a theoretical kind of way. I still worried that a polyamorous relationship would present some big challenges to friendship and closeness within our marriage. My biggest concern was quite practical. In our busy daily lives how could we possibly negotiate even more complexity and demands upon our time, when we already had so little time for each other due to work, children, and necessary domesticity?
I was a bit perturbed in other ways by Mark’s suggestion that I pursue adultery, on the sole proviso that I kept him informed of everything that was happening between me and the other man. Was this simply him voicing a fantasy, without any real desire for its actualisation? Alternatively, was he making this suggestion simply to create an atmosphere where it might be okay for him to conduct an extra-marital affair, without objection from me?
Regardless of what was going on in his head; what did I feel about the idea anyway? Mark had had sex with a dozen women before he met me. He was my one and only lover. I never thought this would be the case for ever, and neither did Mark; after all, he was nearly twenty years older than me. Both of us assumed that he would be the first to die, and that I would have other relationships after his passing. Now we were considering the idea of me having sex with other people while he was still kicking, and with us remaining married to boot. I had to suppose that he would also be doing the same, although for the moment I was completely preoccupied with what was going on for my own self.
A definite impetus for this possible major turning point in our relationship was me becoming aware of how much my sexual appetite and desires had grown in recent months. Now, for the first time in my life, as well as consciously contemplating having sex with other men, I regularly found myself having vivid dreams of exciting sex with men I knew. I had met a man at work also named Mark some time ago and as silly as it seemed I had to admit that I had some serious hots for this Mark Two. I entertained myself with little fantasies involving him during the day sometimes, and he often featured in my night-time dreams as well.
My fixation with Mark Two was a little disconcerting for two reasons. Firstly, I seemed to be seriously considering pursuing my erotic interest in him; and secondly, because he was like my husband Mark in so many ways. Before I met my husband Mark he was addicted to cigarettes, drugs and alcohol. Mark Two still struggled with the same addictions. They both talked left politics all day to anyone who would listen. They were a similar height and build, even their voices were similar. So why was I incredibly attracted to someone who was so like what I already had?
As I thought about this little puzzle I became aware of how much I was enjoying the train of my thoughts. I was all alone. Unable to resist the urges overtaking me, I undressed and made myself very comfortable in the bed I shared with husband Mark so that I could better contemplate my attraction and desires for Mark Two. I was way past the point of in any way considering this minor infidelity a problem.
I pictured him in my mind, and remembered how he acted in my presence, so I could examine what it was about him that I found attractive. He was definitely a little more polite and humble than husband Mark, more of a gentleman, and did not seem to leer and perve like my husband did. He was also very handsome. Was I falling in love with Mark Two; or did I just want to know what it would be like to have another man, a nice and attractive man, make sweet love with me? I left the vibrator in the bedside draw as I thought about these desires of mine. My gentle pleasing of myself with just my fingers was quite sufficient for the moment.
The more I thought about Mark Two, and the possibilities of having his hard penis inside me, the more my body quivered, and the more reasonable it seemed to share my intimate desires and horniness with him. I wondered excitedly what it would be like to share my passions and body with a lover. How would he respond to the succulent delights and gifts of my body; skin, mouth, neck, back, breasts, belly, thighs and my dripping open cunt?
How would I hold him? What would he taste like? How wonderful would it be to be taken by him and to fuck with him? To kiss, cuddle and feel his hard penis entering me would make me soar and purr. Holding one another like we would never let go!
How good would it be to enjoy gentle-quiet-easy-going-love-making with this man. How much better would it be to have desperate-loud-urgent-moaning-hard-sex with him! Fucking and fucking and fucking, like we never wanted to stop. Exploding together, our bodies and selves joined in bliss, until they were spent and torn apart! The real orgasm that swept over me at this moment shattered my whole being into shards of light and darkness.
After a long moment of nothingness I was me again. Laying in my bed recovering from my self-attentions I realised I needed to somehow resolve my curious thoughts and swirling feelings. Different to any prior point in my life, I was now seriously entertaining the pleasing possibilities of a more promiscuous lifestyle. Had I really changed, or was admitting to having these feelings simply me returning to a more normal state, whatever normal might mean?
Regardless, my attempting to analyse in an intellectual way what was going on deep inside my emotional and desiring self really missed the point. I didn’t need to justify what was going on for me if my husband and I were both okay with what was happening inside and outside our marriage. I needed to adjust to the fact that for most of the time I was now horny as hell, and wanting to do something about it! At thirty-six-years of age it surely was good to be alive, healthy and desiring. I simply needed to enjoy and celebrate my revitalised sensuality and sexual drive as the true blessings they were.
My body was still jerking with little aftershocks from my wonderful orgasm as I pondered these reflections and feelings. In body and mind I really wanted to be intimate with Mark Two, and was thrilled to bits by the thought of having sex with him. I still wanted to make sure this was what I really wanted before I went there, even though I now had little doubt. This moment was a real turning point for me, as I realised that possibility had become more like destiny.